I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
