Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
