So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
