Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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