Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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