I accidentally had phone sex last night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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