Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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