Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
