I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
