i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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