If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
