I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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