before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
