Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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