The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
