We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
