My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
