Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
