Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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