..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
