in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize