I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
