why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
