i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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