I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
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I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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