seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
