If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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