have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
