I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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