just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
