Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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