is your mom at the bar?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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