I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
