wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
