Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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