I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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