I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize