He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
