I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
