I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
