I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
