so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
