Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
