I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
