What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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