why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
