I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
