my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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