how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think i have two assholes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
