It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
