Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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