If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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