Michael Bay diarrhea
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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