He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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