I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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