Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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